I'm thinking along the lines of a full cavity search and one size fits all paper gowns.

I am willing to show up naked, I just don't know if you folks could handle it.

“The United States does not have a security system; it has a system for bothering people.”

Hat tip to Proof Positive.

For the money spent trying to reassure us they could hire an anesthesiologist to level the playing field completely. Then we could be stacked and packed like cereal boxes. No cabin crew, just an aerial RN. Profit margin zooms out of sight. Done.

I remember centuries ago when one could smoke on a modern jetliner. I really miss how almost no one cared.
I wonder if the president can smoke on ours.

Here's a great idea...before boarding, just shoot everyone in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. Then, zip them up into a bullet/explosive proof bag in case they wake up in flight. No carry-on luggage is allowed, because baby...you ARE the luggage. When the plane lands, you are unloaded by a team of caring, gentle baggage, er, passenger handlers. Next you're put on a conveyer belt system which deposits you into the terminal to be claimed by your loved ones. The bags will then be collected, hosed out and ready to go for the next flight.

Body cavity searches?

Forget the colonic. I plan on gorging on curried fish balls and deviled eggs.

Those bastards will remember my cavities.