Whoa ... sounds like a battle Gerard. Fortify yourself. Stay healthy as you can. Pry a portion of your every day away from the rest of the world and give it to yourself. Maybe an hour or two walking on the beach. You can't turn your back amigo, not even on your own self. May you find many and strong allies.

Gerard,

Thank you for sharing from your soul. I know where you've been; God knows where you're going. My prayers are with you, my friend. And remember, you cannot fight the battle alone.

My prayers are with you too. The Mafia has nothing on God, as I well know. He has come to you in a less than classic way, but far more real than the stories.

I choose to go to bring back those who don't believe anymore or never believed. I have no clue what your call is, maybe to just be you. Your carpenter has reset your life's course. Pray and let it flow. You had half or more of the answer before you met him, that I know from your poetry and writing. Dr Bob said you cannot fight the battle alone, from this post on, you will not be alone. Just be silent and you will know.

There are many of us with you--Steel Turman, Dr Bob, and I are merely the ones to tell you.

I'm not quite sure what you're talking about (or what your Demon is without guessing) except that I have been where there is no light and found some light to get out of there.

It sounds hideously ludicrous to assert, I was saved by the light, or I saw the light -- but the funnier thing is, that's exactly what you see in one form or another. Once you've been to the bottom and seen a true way out, you can never fall as deep again. You have inextinquishable hope.

I think Bill's right: just be you. You say you've chosen wrongly all along, but that's often hard to gauge. I hope you won't give up trying for a more trusting relationship with this loved one. You may still be able to offer help to move their life in a better direction.

thanks for sharing . thank God you had this moment of lucidity.

You mentioned it in your post, but throughout I was reminded of Dante finding himself in the dark wood of error, then having Virgil sent to him as a guide.
Best wishes on your journey.

gvl,

i am not a carpenter but i am pretty good at listening, and i have some entertaining stories about laguna beach, and am just up the laguna canyon road, so if you ever want to hang out or chat, drop me a line. good luck and god speed.

Thank you, Gerard. Your own dark lantern has shed some light on the path for the rest of us.

Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help others recover sobriety.

For the layman: The purpose of life is to love God and to demonstrate that love by helping your fellow man.

Rather than tell you "Buck up, old boy" or anything like that, I would like merely to add a story.

From "Three Men in a Boat" by Jerome K. Jerome, which is mostly a funny book, but this is different:

Once upon a time, through a strange country, there rode some goodly knights, and their path lay by a deep wood, where tangled briers grew very thick and strong, and tore the flesh of them that lost their way therein. And the leaves of the trees that grew in the wood were very dark and thick, so that no ray of light came through the branches to lighten the gloom and sadness.

And, as they passed by that dark wood, one knight of those that rode, missing his comrades, wandered far away, and returned to them no more; and they, sorely grieving, rode on without him, mourning him as one dead.

Now, when they had reached the fair castle towards which they had been journeying, they stayed there many days, and made merry; and one night, as they sat in cheerful ease around the logs that burned in the great hall, and drank a loving measure, there came the comrade they had lost, and greeted them. His clothes were ragged, like a beggar's, and many sad wounds were on his sweet flesh, but upon his face there shone a great radiance of deep joy.

And they questioned him, asking him what had befallen him; and he told them how in the dark wood he had lost his way, and had wandered many days and nights, till, torn and bleeding, he had lain him down to die.

Then, when he was nigh unto death, lo! through the savage gloom there came to him a stately maiden, and took him by the hand and led him on through devious paths, unknown to any man, until upon the darkness of the wood there dawned a light such as the light of day was unto but as a little lamp unto the sun; and, in that wondrous light, out wayworn knight saw as in a dream a vision, and so glorious, so fair the vision seemed, that of his bleeding wounds he thought no more, but stood as one entranced, whose joy is deep as is the sea, whereof no man can tell the depth.

And the vision faded, and the knight, kneeling upon the ground, thanked the good saint who into that sad wood had strayed his steps, so he had seen the vision that laid there hid.

And the name of the dark forest was Sorrow; but of the vision that the good knight saw therein we may not speak nor tell.

The Grace of God, all the coffee I can drink and once a year they buy us a cake. I never had it so good!

it's good
to have friends.

not that it's easy.

best-
-bt

on another note,
and not to be glib:

in the past,i've heard this description of paranoia,
and it really gets right down to the issue:

"paranoia is thinking
one is the center of the universe."

it just ain't so.

hence the comment above about friends.

my best to you gerard-
-bt

The light is hope and the hope is God.
Never did I think the word God would leave my lips without being a lie.
What has happened to me? Why did I never see truth? I had to be broken to be whole.
When Jesus was being with his friends after his death he breathed the holy spirit into them. What a great picture, the breath of God coming into anothers lips.
Whenever your lost remember, just look up and God will be there.
I love these comments from Bill, Dennis and Dr.Bob
Thanks so much for that phone call it truly breathed new life into me.
Your doing great Gerard and I love your writing.
You have some wonderful friends on line.
Take care.
A grateful man

Gerard,

While you’ve been “away”, I took this opportunity to read several of your past essays. This is one that stopped me cold in my tracks. Yes, Gerard. “Life sucks then you die”....or you find a light or just a flicker... then stand up and move on…one…. step…. at…. a…. time, and maybe, just maybe carry a bit of that light with you. Other than that vision, nothing really changes. Like you, and I would believe countless others, I've had to face a few demons of my own and those of some very close to me. Does it really ever end? One of those demons lived in a bottle. In my escape I fashioned a persona in my mind, and named this seductress of the soul Bitch.

Bitch In The Bottle

Welcome,
to the world
of she who must be
obeyed...

A day alone,
unbearable,
my need for
soothing warmth,
unrequited.

Enter,
near blind,
into her universe
of deceit and lies,
dulling,
shaking-desires.

There posed
upon a stool,
skirt hiked high
above snow-white thighs,
revealing endless charms...

A deep cleave,
enticing soured eyes
to the heaving
breasts within...

Raven hair
drapes her goddess form,
promising delights,
unimaginable.

Aroused by my thirst
she quenches
anticipation
into a collision of
fire over ice.

Entranced
by her promise
of unbridled lust
I drink of her
essence, unending.

Sipping her warmth
yields pleasures of freedom
from this world of
harsh realities.

Accept a promise,
so welcomed,
an invitation
of anticipated cravings.

Passion's the way
to become one
tonight.
Pay the demons'
due in the morning.

A climax long reached
exploding within her.
Expended in this
web of spinning
fantasies.

Weary, soaking wet,
drained of all essence,
I roll into the heat...
of my own vomit.

I hate you bitch...
until tomorrow.

RR 2006

While you’ve been “away”, I took this opportunity to read several of your past essays. This is one that stopped me cold in my tracks. Yes, Gerard. “Life sucks then you die”....or you find a light or just a flicker... then stand up and move on…one…. step…. at…. a…. time, and maybe, just maybe carry a bit of that light with you. Other than that vision, nothing really changes. Like you, and I would believe countless others, I've had to face a few demons of my own and those of some very close to me. Does it really ever end? One of those demons lived in a bottle. In my escape I fashioned a persona of the bottle, and named this seductress of the soul Bitch.

Bitch In The Bottle

Welcome,
to the world
of she who must be
obeyed...

A day alone,
unbearable,
my need for
soothing warmth,
unrequited.

Enter,
near blind,
into her universe
of deceit and lies,
dulling,
shaking-desires.

There posed
upon a stool,
skirt hiked high
above snow-white thighs,
revealing endless charms...

A deep cleave,
enticing soured eyes
to the heaving
breasts within...

Raven hair
drapes her goddess form,
promising delights,
unimaginable.

Aroused by my thirst
she quenches
anticipation
into a collision of
fire over ice.

Entranced
by her promise
of unbridled lust
I drink of her
essence, unending.

Sipping her warmth
yields pleasures of freedom
from this world of
harsh realities.

Accept a promise,
so welcomed,
an invitation
of anticipated cravings.

Passion's the way
to become one
tonight.
Pay the demons'
due in the morning.

A climax long reached
exploding within her.
Expended in this
web of spinning
fantasies.

Weary, soaking wet,
drained of all essence,
I roll into the heat...
of my own vomit.

I hate you bitch...
until tomorrow.

RR 2006

I'm somewhat amazed that you don't feel the grace pouring down as you write, because that's what it is, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

The woman I love has the Demon, but I didn't see it in action until a couple of weeks ago. Afterwards, I spent some time in that Dark Library, trying to figure out what to DO, 'cause men like me are supposed to do something when someone's in trouble. Last week I went with her and made my first visit to the room with the bromides and cliches and hoary old stories of how far down you can go. I think one of the reasons the meetings help is that it reminds them that they're not the only ones with a Demon.

What you've written here reminded me that I'm not the only one who's smelt the brimstone on a friend's clothes, or done some library time. Thanks, man.

PS: Bob's right about the grace, too.

From that Grace-full 'bleak midwinter' --
"What can I give Him, poor as I am? ... Yet what I can I give Him, give my heart."

'For it is in the giving that we receive.'

I am with you in these places. I've visited this land and I always find clues, scraps of paper, words from strangers that seem to be from angels. This piece you wrote for me. Thank you for this heavenly Christmas Eve

Hope that two years later, you're very far away from the black hole. You're still in my prayers. And will be forever.

I've been down the Dark Road myself, and was similarly rescued. I'm glad you were, too.

I need to make friends with my rosary again.

May God bless you.

While I was in Scotland at a wonderful family wedding, a teenager in my extended family here at home (the son of one of my step-brothers) shot and killed himself. He just couldn't kick his drug and alcohol problems. The pain of it and what could have been are ineffably sad in the midst of such joy elsewhere.

Hope two years later, you're at a better place with this. God grant us the serenity to change the things we can, accept the things we can't and the wisdom to know the difference. I am a great believer that prayer is often the only thing we can do.

Let me try this one more time:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

"Christ is risen from the dead,
trampling down death by death,
and to those in the tombs bestowing life."

Brings to mind the song Pour Me a Pint.

"He was a strong man and his Demon used every bit of it until to pull others into Its thrall, until at last it used him up."

Its funny how taking the wrong road leaves you hollow.

www . youtube . com/watch?v=yOpsJ8dh5L4#t=58s

Perspective is important: Eyes to see, ears to hear. Those who are lost don't know how to use either, need to be helped in seeing things with different eyes. Experiences cannot be changed, but what can be changed is how you feel about them.

Eden is here, we never left: We just lost the grace to be able to see it.

Nice story, Gerard.

I am clean and sober for twenty-seven years now. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Heck, they gave me a medal for saving my own life.

Thanks for the insight.