Don't you mean bend forward? Over a desk...Wearing fishnet nylons and getting spanked with a spatula?

I think it's more like cowboy boots (or Wellies) and chaps, but forward, and over the producer's desk as mentioned in previous comment. I live here in soCal, and have been overwhelmed with Oscar hype. I've long since given up on finding it relavent, interesting, or even entertaining.

My wife, for one, would welcome transparent codpieces.

Hell, I think they should do the entire show in the nude.

They've still got a long way to go to match 1976 when they nominated a Satanic Mass (Jerry Goldsmith's "Ave Satani" from "The Omen") as Best Song.

I love Goldsmith's work as much as anyone, but _best song_?

Does anyone here even watch the Academy Awards? Out of anything more than morbid curiosity?

I watched the 1997 Oscars because I'm a James Cameron fan, and I knew that "Titanic" was going to sweep the awards. That was the last time.

Kimberley A. Strassel over at the WSJ nails down yet another aspect of Hollywood running off the rails: Where have all the hunks gone?

http://www.opinionjournal.com/taste/?id=110008039

Just go read it.

Poor baby. Because you're FORCED to watch the Oscars, right? There's no way to shut your television off or to tune in to a different show.

It must suck so much ass to be a conservative.

Fornication festival?

stupidity limits will be either edited or expunged.

I guess that only applies to comments and not to the posts themselves?

Tedious and uninteresting, sort of like most of the movies and their casts. I wonder what happens at home when the monsters use that language while their mothers are present? Makes me wish that I had a teevee with a red button marked "vaporize" on it.

Larry McMurtry is this country's greatest novelist. He is also responsible for numerous great and some would argue family-friendly movies (Terms of Endearment, Lonesome Dove). Any project written by McMurtry is going to be at least very good. So dismissing that film out of hand merely points out your homophobia, doesn't it? I remember when men weren't so scared of their own inadequacies, but the inability of the modern male (20-40s) to handle their sexuality is pretty depressing. These comments just back that up.

Ah, I see we have been invaded by the post-modern pecksniffs.

Whenever you folks get over the "Let me just whip out this 'homophobia' weapon" will be a bright new day for argument in this fair and favored land. But I don't think you'll be overjoyed to see it since it will make simple minds and their memorized bromides ever so much less interesting. Not that they are interesting not that they're into their third or fourth decade of decay.

I would submit, Mr. Adkins, that the vast majority of modern males (especially 20 to 40) are handling their sexuality quite well given all the flim-flam that gets bandied about.

As for Larry McMurtry being a "this country's greatest novelist," I'd say you are overstating the case by about 40 acres and a mule.

McMurty is a very good novelist. I enjoy his works immensely, especially the under-rated and brilliant Buffalo Girls. But "great" or "greatest" simply doesn't apply.

Thanks in part to the cultural pecksniffs and petrified academics and clueless publishers of the United States -- not to mention the vile writers' workshops -- we really don't do "great" novelists all that much. Only the bad, the adequate, and the passably good.

cultural pecksniffs?

Wow.

Do you talk like that in real life?

I'm thinking high school… probably not a lot of happy memories there if you did.

P.S. "handling their sexuality quite well given all the flim-flam that gets bandied about." may very well be the gayest thing I've ever read on the Internet and I've been to www.thisisthegayestwebsiteintheworld.com.

I think it's time we started up a Children's Anti-Sex League! Free sexual expression is clearly the first step towards complete social collapse! How is wealth going to stay safely with the rich if they're bumpin' and grindin' with the poor?

Ah, they just don't make 'em like The Sound of Music anymore, do they, Ger?

Except Titanic, I guess, as one of your non-pecksniff commentors so brilliantly observed.

Anyway, a Penthouse editor complaining about cultural coarsening is a little offputting, so I shan't darken your door further.

You seem to be under the impression I am currently an editor for Penthouse. I assure you I am not. But it is nice that you have retained that quaint factoid.

Dear Salvage,
I am sure you have.

Attention: Pecksniffians . Learn it and quit being it.

Fornication festival? If only.

Does anybody even watch anything beyond the opening montage anymore? I know I don't. Pecksniffs, lol. What a great word of the day. I know of a few bulletin boards I'll be dropping that one at. :)

Do not these Hollyweird types realize they are becoming more and more irrelevant each year? Just look at theater receipts - no one is going to the movies anymore. When trash from dolts like George Clooney is the best they can offer, I'd rather stay home and either read a good book or chase my wife around the house. There's an idea.

Wolcott is right, you are wrong.
Now drink your Kool-aid and shut up.
Be glad he linked to you.

Lemme see here, lining up all the branflakes that have fallen from the pockets of the Wolcottians:

Gerard is a wild-living leftover sixties libertine and a sexually repressed/inadequate/homophobic 30something with a Sound of Music fixation. He's an experienced media critic and former magazine editor who uses only VERY simple words when speaking. His brain was fried by drugs so it's unfair when he routinely eviserates his opponents.

His regular readers are elk-milking non-existent middle Americans, too stupid to set Twain aside and hail McMurtry as the ultimate American novelist. They can't work the "off" button of the tv remote although apparently Cheney programmed them to type up reactionary gay-bashing posts between bouts of bible thumping. Although so rare that their opinions are completely irrelevent, elkmilkers are withholding millions of dollars from hollywood and thus endangering the vital artist - butt boy - Jimmy Choo matrix.

Have I got that about right?

Can you believe this granola clump of gay troll rights jihadists? From behind closed comments they accuse others of being closed minded. Self-proclaimed defenders of diversity and free speech, they are aghast and appalled that anyone would dare post a view contrary to theirs. Failing rationality and reasonable arguments, "drink your kool-aid and shut up" is their final sniping salvo.

So far it's Gerard & the Elkmilkers 7, Pecksniffs 0. See you at the grudge rematch Monday morning.

Hypocritically benevolent; sanctimonious?

But culturally?

Can you expand on that because I'm looking at it and not seeing how it makes a lick of sense.

The Sound of Music sucked, if there are Nazis in a movie someone better be shooting them if you want my thumb up.

VonTrapp should have punk slapped Rolph at the very least.

Now Downfall, two hours of Nazis killing themselves and their children, that's a movie I can dig.

"...collect the measured disagreement that you bring to this page on his"? Man, do you always write like that?

This is my first visit to your blog (what the hell is the "new America"?). If this entry is an example of you thinking you even come close to being a "worthy opponent" for Wolcott, then you don't read very well either. The guy's got it all over you in communication AND snark.

I understand that since Munich, Syriana and Paradise Now all "glorify suicide bombers," if Spielberg or Clooney win all of us liberals are supposed to celebrate by joining the jihad in Iraq.

Fornication festival? Hey, as long I don't have to sit through another tribute to film editing scored to Riverdance, I'm cool.

Nothing like reading the bitter ravings of talentless gun owning crackers. You guys are funny! And you should be glad wolcott linked, now you might actually get 20 hits a day! Hooray!

[Translation: [There is] nothing like reading the bitter ravings of [gun-owning] crackers. You guys [read "men and women"] are funny! [10 points deducted for needless exclamation mark.] And you should be glad [that] [W]olcott linked [.] Now you might actually get 20 hits a day! [50 point penalty for second needless exclamation mark] Hooray! [100 points deducted for third needless exclamation point.] ]

Don't watch the Oscars, kids. Really. You can be more like them good pickin people in Kansas or some other jerkwater Amurica harrrt land town and shun them librul elites that don;t share you values.

[Translation: Don't watch the Oscars, kids [ladies and gentlemen]. Really. You can then emulate the good pickin [50 points off for failing to complete the gerund and 50 more points off for making no sense to begin with.] people in Kansas [,] or some other jerkwater Amurica [American] harrrt land [heartland] town [,] and shun them librul [those liberal] elites that don;t [don't] share you [your] values ]

It's funny to watch the nobodies sulk in their jealousies.

[Translation: It is amusing to watch the nobodies sulk in their jealousies [We leave it to our more educated readers to determine where and what sort of jealousy it would be that would enable sulking within it. Either way, our ernest scribbler here is not what you would call a shining example of our public school system. Then again, perhaps he is. ]

This translation of the commentary of the typical denizen of the lamentably shallow Wolcottian gene pool has been brought to you as a public service of American Digest

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
to apologize for the current infestation. It will, as all things must, pass.

Just be grateful that, since they come in on a link and leave in a 1968 Blue Huff, they are unlikely to infest the rest of the site.

Ah well, one hopes for worthy opponents on the web but then one must settle for a Wolcott.

You should wish that you had 1/10th the intelligence, wit and writing skill of Wolcott.

I do. I wish this all the time. Especially after a few pages of "The Catsitters" and a couple of paragraphs of some article ripping off the flimsy facade of the porn industry that simply drips with inside knowledge.

If only, I wish, I could have more cats and be more like the Upton Twain of Vanity Fair, but alas his knee pads are too big for me. I would get lost in just one of them.

It might do you some good to go see a pimp about a ho for your dick so you won't be such a bitch.

Oscar viewers hearing the word "bitches"? Kinda pales when we're in the midst of an all-out War on Christmas and holiday point of purchase displays, don't you think? Egads, man, this is war and wartime is chockablock with pin-ups and hos and penicillin, lewd and licentious behavior and no small amount of cussin'.

Nice logo, by the way. I think more flight attendants should blog.

Fornication festival?

Really?

Wow. Cool.

The Oscars...
Who really gives a fuck?!!

Wow, this site is great!

I didn't realize the writers for "The Colbert Report" had their own blog. Absolutely hysterical, and one of the finest pieces of parody I've seen in weeks. Keep up the great work, and you might even give "The Onion" a run for their money.

Wolcott Moonies? Moonies?

Why don't the Moonies own the Washington Times?

Hmm makes me wonder who the real Moonies are.

"Drink your Kool - Aid and shut up?"

Ironic.

Isn't it the republicans that are committing political suicide? Iraq, Domestic Spying, the Dubai Ports Deal and a Congress full of crooked liars equals RIP. Republicans In Purgatory. Swilling that Kool - Aid by the gallon. Gotta love it.

Republicans control the House
Republicans control the Senate
Republicans control the Executive
and that's just on the Federal Level.

Perhaps the Dems should give up mixing up the Clinton Cocktail for 08 and have some of what the Republicans are having. Oh, wait, they are.

I think you were wrong. I watched the Oscars, and I didn't see any fornication.

And I didn't hear anything about "bitches" either, but that's probably because I cannot, for the life of me, understand hip-hop lyrics.

"Republicans control [x]" Indeed they do. And if I were you, I'd be smitten that they finally--finally!--get to live up to their baffling reputation as crusaders for results, ruthless exclusion and accountability. They've managed a spectacular flameout of hubris and myopia in 10 years of congressional control, speedy quick, a mere 1/5 the time it took for Democrats to do so.

Ger, instead of picking the 2008 opponent you want rather than the one you're gonna get, I'd look into the history of market bubbles. Your presumption of continued Republican hegemony has all the earmarks, and the decibel levels and self-congratulation of pets.com or dutch tulips.

Yeah, nice post throwing a bunch of epithets at Hollywood (tough target). Was there a point?

But then we witness a beautiful Internet phenomenon. Wolcott linking here results in an update, whereby blogger exploits the sudden thousand-fold increase in traffic by throwing a bunch more inane ad hominem's at the incoming readers.

And to think I came here via the moderate-conservative Dan Drezner.

Talk about a genius for unwitting self-parody. You just can't make this stuff up. Hilarious.

Vanderleun -- Your posting on the 2nd of March in the year of our Lord 2000 and 6 implied a promise of a fornication festival at the annual awards ceremony of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, to take place on the 5th of March of that same year. Unfortunately, no festival of fornication was witnessed at that event (not even a transparent codpiece!). My solicitor shall forthwith serve you with papers to prosecute a claim of fraud. Such bandying of flim-flam shall not go unpunished!